Monday, December 29, 2008
I will be on my way tommorow. It is going to be hard. There is so little i expect out of it. I dont want to get all stoned and heady about the whole thing. I was to keep this as professional as it should be. I know it is strange, but there is so little i write on this blog with reference to the things i really know.
But it sure gives me a high that I will be in Mumbai for the New Year's. The city has some kind of energy which will help any mood. There isnt time to sit and sulk in that city. Pub hopping is something i have always been fond off. To take the best of one party and then go to another. I hope they play good music and there is a free flow of booze from every quarter. I hope it does not get boring.
2008 has been extremely bad for me. I am happy to see it go. I hope when the clock ticks and the year changes, things will all change. I am not talking to economy and lay offs here. I hope the New Year is the best year of my life. And to everybody who reads this post( which i suspect wil be very few), Happy New year mates, May the best come in your life too.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I am doing the best now to keep myself happy. I am throwing parties when the whole world around me seems to be in a gloom. I party hard every nite like it was the last nite i will ever get to go out in my life. I sleep as late as 4 in the morning, everyday. I am off for long drives alone, I smoke weed early in the morning as soon as i wake up and hike the high mid afternoon. The whole day is so freaking clear in fron of my eyes.
I work out in the gym in the evening. I started a profile on facebook ( my first social network, where i went in with my real name and profile) and reconnected with friends and dope heads who i knew from another life. People who are married to thai women, people who were role models at one time who are down and tasting the dust.
Life has never been better, everyday is new and is completely different from every other day. It is pretty reckless when you consider smoke weed sitting in the middle of the pavement of a 6 lane high way, bribing your way out of a DUI.
Hell is close i can see, Something will happen in the next few days for all this to stop. But then who cares. And i found a friend in another broken soul, Somebody i cherish now. She is like an angel. The only person who checks on me, Who asks for me, who finds time for me. May she be blessed.
Merry Christmas !
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The freedom is mouth watering. I have a lof of assets which I have accumalated during my good times. Assets which are not property or stocks or bank balance, but things which i have bought which i so hardly use. I will sell all these at whatever it fetches me. I guess liqudity is the problem and i will solve it for the time being by giving away everything which i have managed to buy.
I would not want to lose the next two years of my life to a global phenomenon. So i have decided that i will not waste it by worrying about it. I shall " fuck- it-all" and go out of my current comfort zone and lose touch with everybody who is remotely familiar. I will lose all the bonds which hold me back to do the things i wanted to do all my life.
I would start with North-East. I would like it to get lost in the wilderness and be completely independent. I will spend whatever i have earned in the last 8 years of my life in the next two years of my life. Suddenly I dont think the loneliness is a bad thing. Arent we blessed to be alone in times like this and not needing to worry for the ones around. I would choose the lowest means of transport and accomodation and travel and test humanity and people to take me around these beautiful places.
A friend of mine quipped that being from the middle class inhibits you to dream like this, because we are not used to a life like this. This is more for the classes who have everything to lose, who like a free life. I find the whole line of thought illogical. I guess some of the intial months will be tough, it will be a drastic change from the cushy life i would leave, but since there is no option or drive to bounce back, i think i will settle.
I have a weird feeling that if all this were to happen and i happen to behave exactly the way i have written these 2 years of recession will be the only two years which i have well spent. The thought is mouth watering.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Its funny thought how little I care about things which i buy. I mean all my buddies from work are more excited than me. For me its just a means to reach from point A to point B. Its just a means to an end. But so often i see people fall of benefits which are self expressive in nature. Like a friend who only bought a big car because he thought that people give him respect when he lands up at a hotel or a valet. But I guess my happiness rooted from the fact that I would be spending lesser time and money on the old one.
Another important thing is for me to understand why people scratch a newly painted car. I mean what drives these people. Are they jealous of somebody elses wealth ? or a show of wealth ? or it is just that they dont like to see things in perfection. I mean , I cannot let the black glowing body of a car just be, so here I go taking some paint off it with my key. I couldnt care less though. Its not going to reach me slower to office cos it has a scratch on its hood. Ha! so who cares? But that didnt stop people I knew from loathing about it
I am reading Arvind Adiga's book( White Tiger). I mean its funny and well written. But I also know why he won the Man booker. He showed India down. Althought its predicted that India will be the 4th largest economy in the world in a couple of years, everybody in the west love to see India as a nation of Snake charmers. I guess the religious mystique will be lost if we were all glass towers and take overs. Anyways I can attribute this book to have bought some happiness, because it made me sit back and read the book till the wee hours of the morning. Never done that in a long time now.
I was in Mumbai for a couple of days doing what i do best. Drinking. I think if my liver could just talk, it would scream. I needed two days to get my body back from the clutches of alchohol. But thats how i drink, when i drink, i drink to get sloshed. Mumbai has a very uplifting effect on me. I slowly crawl back to my element when I am there. Maybe its the women in the city. I dont know.
So generally and relatively it was a great week !!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The best days are the ones which are spent in love. I know this but i cant do much. Everywhere i see i get very jealous for the couples who are together. But I also give in to the soothing feeling of knowing that somebody, if not me, has it right. I just want a portion of it. I dont want to be intrusive and i understand of what they might feel when i stare, but i cant help it. It is sad that there is so much of love out there and i dont have any.
I do my daily routine, wait for the week to start and me to get back to work, so that such thoughts of longing is completely flushed out of my mind by the madness of work. I read books on love during work sometimes, little passages, and i wait, for i have reason to believe, that i will get what i want so badly. The mystic girl will appear. The ones who have left me wont matter anymore. I will spend a few moments with her which will just take me through. Make it worth it.
All my life i have lived for others. Mother, Father, Mate and i have got nothing in return. Not an ounce in return. Not a word to render me peace and happiness to know that i am just as needed, as i made them feel. Like they would do anything for me. Just like i would do anything for them. Not a single person, but i get used everyday by everyone. Someone uses me as a sheild. Someone else uses me as a source of providing them currency. Nobody wants to see what i want. No body cares.
And i yearn and die every moment. Every freaking moment. Why do weekends ever exist?
Friday, November 7, 2008
If you cannot sleep at 3 in the morning, what do you do ? You Blog. And try and empty the load you are carring in your chest. Life has been far better, better than most would expect, if somebody read the previous parts of the blog. Have started to accept life as it is and tried the past few days to live sanely. The city asusual only helps you add boredom, but there is something about this place. Maybe I am too lazy to get out of this zone which provides me so much comfort and very little risk.
I travelled as I promised to myself that I would and it felt good, but i cut short my plans because i started to feel more lonely than when i was at home. I didnt want to take the chance. I break down too damn fast these days. Must be the age. I hit 30 ( the big 3 -0 next March and that is painful) I still feel like a 10 year old though.
I look back at my life and i see the days i have spent irresponsibly living in my small cocoon and not going out there and living out life in a harsh and challenging environment. The money, the comfort binds me. But it also leaves behind a feeling of loss or opportunity cost, of what i could have become had i just taken all the risks. But I am happy about one single thing, that i lived for the day, or maybe i should not be too happy. I think i spent all my money for the most vain things in life, and at this age i dont have a single saving, never made the effort to save up money and save tax. I guess, now the 10 year old thing is pretty evident.
And so i rest.. tonight having known that tommorow is going to be no better.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Its raining for a first time this year, and I am actually coming out of my gloom. I am thinking of getting back into the social circles that I have ignored over the past few months. I need to drink and start partying again. Although my city does not allow me to do too much of either. But hey, a little is a start.
Am planning to disappear for a while, try and take a trip to the unknown. Some weird place for about 3-4 weeks. I think the office can wait that long. I hate the hills so I think I want to do Andamans to start with. I will anyways travelling on work after I come back and going to Africa.
The thoughts of the recession scares me, and it makes me wonder if the good times are going to dissapear. Should I do all that I need to do, very soon, before the economy caves in ? I think i will start with a trip.
I hate to plan my trip. I hate ppl who plan their trips. I love to land up at the place and then slowly figure it out. I love to walk my entire trip and usually avoid any public transport or guides. I reckon that you see the world best when you are on your feet, not when you are hearded around.
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.”
Robert Louis Stevenson
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My day goes tackling about 300-400 emails depending on a day, each of those needs to level of work and coordination. I don't work for a call center, no, but I work sometimes on mindless work. But to do mindless work is sometimes better than going back to an empty house.
I do wish that there was somebody waiting for me at my place everyday when I go back. Something to look forward too, at the end of the day which takes the pain away of working the whole day. A small conversation, some little fights, a big plan for a long weekend and a tall glass of wine. Is it so much to ask for? Why don't i have it today ?
I guess everything is for the good. Everybody has dreams. My comfort level cannot be the basis on which everybody around me should plan their life. But my needs are small and in the common life of all my colleagues, they are present. But nobody really appreciates such small things till it is missing.
The worst part is that my parents live in the same town. I sometimes think, as to why i don't mind sitting at my place all alone, and not visit them. I think the answer is pretty clear in my mind. The don't need me there everyday, which is why I moved out when I got hitched.
Some weeks are especially sad. The weeks on which there are long weekends, weeks where there are festivals. I play loud music and talk to furniture. Maybe I should get a dog. But that would also be wrong. Because I am at work for about 12 hours of the day and am sleeping 6. I would do to him what I am trying to undo.
Yeah I miss her grandly now. I was watching a movie, yesterday, A line struck hard as soon as it was said. It said "you are standing on the road watching life hit you head on, or you are standing on the side and watch it pass by". For whatever it is worth, I would like my life to come back and hit me and not just pass me by. I don't mind the pain or the misery because the moments of happiness will compensate everything.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I am not the person who you will be able to pick up a conversation with in a crowded pub, am not that maverick. It takes a lot of time for me to settle down with a person who i can really talk to. I come through to be very rude till that point. Sometimes I hate being with my best friend's and it is only rarely that i find peace in their company. I ask myself, am i pathological loner? Did I push my mate away because of being a loner. Did I leave her to rot in her boredom, when I was happy building walls around me? Is it cos I think too much all the time? Why does my mind keep ticking 24/7 with all the issues which shouldn't concern a normal person ? Am I boring?
It is true that maitey, as i will call her ( not wife, spouse, soul mate or whatever i used to call her b4) is having a gala time with her 'friends' one of which is somebody with whom she has more than a normal platonic relationship. It is true that she keeps saying that there is nothing between them, but i guess the lovey dovey messages that she sends to him and the messages she receives surely means something. Why would maitey be so upset when she knew that 'friend's' parents were looking out for a bride for him. Surely there was nothing platonic about that. Am i doubting her? Should I or should i not ? or should i do neither?
It takes leaps of faith to understand what she wants in life. I did a lot to give her as much freedom as she wanted. Is she or will she use this freedom to cheat on me? Or will this only help me making this relationship better? She was never a normal wife, she liked to take care of the house, but not for long. We decided never to have a child, and never understood the fuss our parents made over being married.
I guess we were never meant to be married. Marriage freaked her out for sure cos it took away from her availability by titling Mrs. xyz. I wondered what she being in a relationship with me did.
Am i sane or insane? or niether ?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I think the ban is an act of vengeance on the part of Univelers and the P&G's of the world, to hit the ITC business, simply because ITC is coming down hard with there range of soaps and shampoos which were considered the strong hold markets of the former for years. Hows that for a theory ??!!!!
Also the Sainthood given to Sis.Alphonsa, is a part of recogonising the Christians in India, which is happening in the background of our Prime Minister travelling to Europe and America for the nuclear deal and getting a lot of flak for not doing enuff for the crisis in orrisa and karnataka.
The first theory i really care about cos i was one of the worst hit.
Now thats two theories to ponder on !
Monday, October 6, 2008
What made her change her mind could be attributed to me. I just asked a few questions because I admired her spirit of such a pretty girl, who has lived outside Kerela all her entire life who will willing to settle down with my co - brother who is a desi from the a freaking village. It so happened my questions kinda opened up her a lot of questions on what she was getting into. And she changed her mind.
My family now treats me as an outcast, they don't want to see me anywhere around and now is looking to banish me from my home.
Thank God for small mercies, I see a silver lining in the whole thing. I saved a girls life, something which could have been devastating for her. A small deed which could have imprisoned her for life.
I guess it is a big insult to the big family that i come from but i guess it was worth saving a girls life cos i kinda know what kinda life she would have had, if she were to get married.
Am i feeling guilty ? I don't think so ! But i feel bad for my and his parents cos they have to live with this for the rest of there lives but then i kind of thought it was ok.
The times are gone where the boys side used to disrupt a wedding cos of dowry, nowadays its the women who take the lead on such things.
I hope my parents kinda forget and forgive.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I have the weirdest questions in my mind. Lately I was watching TV, and I saw a news report on a woman pregnant with a 3 month year baby, she also had a small tape worm in her gut. How scary is that ? Anyways, the doctors have advised her that she will have to let the tape worm grow in her intestine cos if they treat it with iron, then there are chances of a mis-carriage.
Now what bugs me is if the child and the tape worm were born together, does it really mean that they will be actually called twins ?
How would you feel if you had a tape worm for a twin. I guess for the first year post birth you can crawl with him, but then that's it. You really would not care for Tape worm beyond that point.
I need to know !!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I am experiencing a lot of new things these days. Like i stand in front of my wardrobe and am wondering what clothes to wear for the day. I wonder if i should drive to work or take it easy on myself and take a rick. I wonder if u should eat out of if i should order in or cook. I am a horrible cook. I can even screw up a packet of Maggi noodles. I am that amazing.
I mean these are decisions which i used to take before the partial separation, but these decisions suddenly has become a big part of my life. Life has become somehow more boring and irritating as days pass by. The course of the day is kinda slow. Its so slow that you spend a lot of time doing the most mundane things.
I wake up, by the power cut which is kinda acting up lately in my city. It is painful, considering i am a total night bird, and i spend a lot of time in the nite doing a lot of things, it is really tough on me that the power switches off at 9 in the morning just when I am digging deeper into the bed. There is something wierd about waken up when there is no electricity in your room, It is damn painful, there is this thickness in the air and the silence is killing.
I smoke excessively nowadays. I mean its the celebration of a new kinda of freedom which i am experiencing. Nobody to say anything. But i kinda overdo it. Its like i feel sick of smoking by the end of the day, which is a stupid thing to do. You should try and enjoy a smoke but not be sick of it by the end of the day.
We plan to visit each other during weekends, cos we have a 5 day week. I think there is a lot of settling in which needs to happen with this new kind of thing. I mean b4 the wedding i was kinda living with my parents. I have lived alone when I was in Mumbai, but then there is no time to really think about anything in Mumbai, and those were the years when i was setting myself up for the big league, post my MBA.
I live in Chennai and no matter how much i hate this city, I kinda am at peace here.