Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Better Days

The whole of last week went well. Funerals and weddings, People falling sick all around and a global recession staring you in your face in everything, but it went well. It felt better to be around people although not for the right reasons. Also I bought something which made me feel very good. it was a old second hand handed down thing but it was worth it. My older one was draining me of all the money cos it was behaving like a bitch. Yeah I bought a car.

Its funny thought how little I care about things which i buy. I mean all my buddies from work are more excited than me. For me its just a means to reach from point A to point B. Its just a means to an end. But so often i see people fall of benefits which are self expressive in nature. Like a friend who only bought a big car because he thought that people give him respect when he lands up at a hotel or a valet. But I guess my happiness rooted from the fact that I would be spending lesser time and money on the old one.

Another important thing is for me to understand why people scratch a newly painted car. I mean what drives these people. Are they jealous of somebody elses wealth ? or a show of wealth ? or it is just that they dont like to see things in perfection. I mean , I cannot let the black glowing body of a car just be, so here I go taking some paint off it with my key. I couldnt care less though. Its not going to reach me slower to office cos it has a scratch on its hood. Ha! so who cares? But that didnt stop people I knew from loathing about it

I am reading Arvind Adiga's book( White Tiger). I mean its funny and well written. But I also know why he won the Man booker. He showed India down. Althought its predicted that India will be the 4th largest economy in the world in a couple of years, everybody in the west love to see India as a nation of Snake charmers. I guess the religious mystique will be lost if we were all glass towers and take overs. Anyways I can attribute this book to have bought some happiness, because it made me sit back and read the book till the wee hours of the morning. Never done that in a long time now.

I was in Mumbai for a couple of days doing what i do best. Drinking. I think if my liver could just talk, it would scream. I needed two days to get my body back from the clutches of alchohol. But thats how i drink, when i drink, i drink to get sloshed. Mumbai has a very uplifting effect on me. I slowly crawl back to my element when I am there. Maybe its the women in the city. I dont know.

So generally and relatively it was a great week !!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

General Rambling

Sunday mornings are the worst. I love to work and there is no chance of that today. How did it ever come to this ? I dream of a girl lying by in my couch. But I know that is not going to happen. I wish to step out in the early morning, when the weather is perfect (like today)for a walk with a wanted one, for breakfast at some obscure place, talking, teasing, holding, living the moment. No barriers in finding each other, just so comfortable and basking in the moment.

The best days are the ones which are spent in love. I know this but i cant do much. Everywhere i see i get very jealous for the couples who are together. But I also give in to the soothing feeling of knowing that somebody, if not me, has it right. I just want a portion of it. I dont want to be intrusive and i understand of what they might feel when i stare, but i cant help it. It is sad that there is so much of love out there and i dont have any.

I do my daily routine, wait for the week to start and me to get back to work, so that such thoughts of longing is completely flushed out of my mind by the madness of work. I read books on love during work sometimes, little passages, and i wait, for i have reason to believe, that i will get what i want so badly. The mystic girl will appear. The ones who have left me wont matter anymore. I will spend a few moments with her which will just take me through. Make it worth it.

All my life i have lived for others. Mother, Father, Mate and i have got nothing in return. Not an ounce in return. Not a word to render me peace and happiness to know that i am just as needed, as i made them feel. Like they would do anything for me. Just like i would do anything for them. Not a single person, but i get used everyday by everyone. Someone uses me as a sheild. Someone else uses me as a source of providing them currency. Nobody wants to see what i want. No body cares.

And i yearn and die every moment. Every freaking moment. Why do weekends ever exist?

Friday, November 7, 2008

If you cannot sleep at 3 in the morning, what do you do ? You Blog. And try and empty the load you are carring in your chest. Life has been far better, better than most would expect, if somebody read the previous parts of the blog. Have started to accept life as it is and tried the past few days to live sanely. The city asusual only helps you add boredom, but there is something about this place. Maybe I am too lazy to get out of this zone which provides me so much comfort and very little risk.

I travelled as I promised to myself that I would and it felt good, but i cut short my plans because i started to feel more lonely than when i was at home. I didnt want to take the chance. I break down too damn fast these days. Must be the age. I hit 30 ( the big 3 -0 next March and that is painful) I still feel like a 10 year old though.

I look back at my life and i see the days i have spent irresponsibly living in my small cocoon and not going out there and living out life in a harsh and challenging environment. The money, the comfort binds me. But it also leaves behind a feeling of loss or opportunity cost, of what i could have become had i just taken all the risks. But I am happy about one single thing, that i lived for the day, or maybe i should not be too happy. I think i spent all my money for the most vain things in life, and at this age i dont have a single saving, never made the effort to save up money and save tax. I guess, now the 10 year old thing is pretty evident.

And so i rest.. tonight having known that tommorow is going to be no better.