If you cannot sleep at 3 in the morning, what do you do ? You Blog. And try and empty the load you are carring in your chest. Life has been far better, better than most would expect, if somebody read the previous parts of the blog. Have started to accept life as it is and tried the past few days to live sanely. The city asusual only helps you add boredom, but there is something about this place. Maybe I am too lazy to get out of this zone which provides me so much comfort and very little risk.
I travelled as I promised to myself that I would and it felt good, but i cut short my plans because i started to feel more lonely than when i was at home. I didnt want to take the chance. I break down too damn fast these days. Must be the age. I hit 30 ( the big 3 -0 next March and that is painful) I still feel like a 10 year old though.
I look back at my life and i see the days i have spent irresponsibly living in my small cocoon and not going out there and living out life in a harsh and challenging environment. The money, the comfort binds me. But it also leaves behind a feeling of loss or opportunity cost, of what i could have become had i just taken all the risks. But I am happy about one single thing, that i lived for the day, or maybe i should not be too happy. I think i spent all my money for the most vain things in life, and at this age i dont have a single saving, never made the effort to save up money and save tax. I guess, now the 10 year old thing is pretty evident.
And so i rest.. tonight having known that tommorow is going to be no better.