Saturday, October 11, 2008

Am i sane or insane? or niether ?

Life is still a mystery to me. There are so many things which seem to correctly play out in the areas of faith and trust but then they suddenly seem to fall out and seem incorrect. Like my soul mate partying in one of the resorts in outer Mumbai, while i sulk. I ask myself, If my judgment clouded by the fact that I am not doing anything fun in this weekend, or any of the weekends.

I am not the person who you will be able to pick up a conversation with in a crowded pub, am not that maverick. It takes a lot of time for me to settle down with a person who i can really talk to. I come through to be very rude till that point. Sometimes I hate being with my best friend's and it is only rarely that i find peace in their company. I ask myself, am i pathological loner? Did I push my mate away because of being a loner. Did I leave her to rot in her boredom, when I was happy building walls around me? Is it cos I think too much all the time? Why does my mind keep ticking 24/7 with all the issues which shouldn't concern a normal person ? Am I boring?

It is true that maitey, as i will call her ( not wife, spouse, soul mate or whatever i used to call her b4) is having a gala time with her 'friends' one of which is somebody with whom she has more than a normal platonic relationship. It is true that she keeps saying that there is nothing between them, but i guess the lovey dovey messages that she sends to him and the messages she receives surely means something. Why would maitey be so upset when she knew that 'friend's' parents were looking out for a bride for him. Surely there was nothing platonic about that. Am i doubting her? Should I or should i not ? or should i do neither?

It takes leaps of faith to understand what she wants in life. I did a lot to give her as much freedom as she wanted. Is she or will she use this freedom to cheat on me? Or will this only help me making this relationship better? She was never a normal wife, she liked to take care of the house, but not for long. We decided never to have a child, and never understood the fuss our parents made over being married.

I guess we were never meant to be married. Marriage freaked her out for sure cos it took away from her availability by titling Mrs. xyz. I wondered what she being in a relationship with me did.

Am i sane or insane? or niether ?

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