its been a long long time...

I am in Bangalore now. Its been long, I know. But a new job and a new house, sucks a lot of time. Bangalore is much better than chennai for sure. There is a lot of life in the city. Its green and cold, just the way i live it. People are gentle and pretty, I guess its the good weather than keeps them that way.

Work has been really tough. However i am not really complaining. Its interesting, I guess. Dont have much time to write anything substantial right now. Need to get a few hours of sleep before I head for work tomorrow. However this much i can say, I will for sure try to regularly write again

Trying to write so that it makes sense

Office : No Work. The people in my office has shrunk in size by half. It looks more like a drought rather than a recession. It is very irritating to come to work everyday and wait for the clock to tick over and then leave. It almost kills you. The reasons why I joined this place is not clear anymore. But since I am paid really well and the opportunities in the market have really dried up, I am stagnating and rotting here.

Home : Nothing much to talk about. I am trying to kill time by trying to make friends and hobbies. All in all finding like minded people in the city I live is very difficult. And even if you find the right friends, there arent places where you can go to, things you can do. So I am stuck at home most of the days. Watching the tube for most of the time.

Love : None at this point. Zilch.

At crossroads

I have been had so many times in life that I have really become mean. I now suddenly don't care about right or wrong. I dont care about anybody around me anymore. I am never overcome by emotions. I think as to what is the best case scenario for me and I do just that. I have stopped feeling guilty. I don't feel the pain in someones tears. I sometimes even smirk at the ones who are in tears because of the agony I have caused. And world is a better place, atleast for me.

I was always good at getting what I wanted, but was usually stopped by my conscience Losing it has made me so ruthless that I destruct everything around me and I am starting to find things favoring me. It may be wrong that I win these bouts because of me being unfair, but i win nonetheless.

Now I am threading towards the most important misdoing I would have ever done. And suddenly I feel very unhappy. All the guilt of what i have done earlier seems to also pour in making it seem like a big mistake. I think of it everyday and I feel bad, but I keep doing it overcoming it. I have my reasons to do what I am doing, but it is not correct in any sense. I will destroy the lives of people involved in it. And the worst part is there is a date to cross over and never come back which is just two days away. I feel hapless and irritated. And i feel like I have lost the control to stop myself from doing it

Such is my story...

Kerela Trip

I was a little stuck in my native this time around. Constant powercuts and painful relatives were the order of the day. It is so damn hard when the only sleep you get is at 2-3 AM in the morning, and you can sleep because there is a powercut and the mosquitos are not as small as the ones you find in Chennai. The mosquitos in kerela are huge. I let one go post catching it, without killing it, just to see how these birds fly with that kind of body weight. You squash them and you can donate blood. It is hilarious. I used to work with a company which used to sell repellents and I should say, I am awestruck as to how the company still manages to make profits.

Relatives are a source of agony. They are everywhere in Kerela. I wish i could squash them too, but sadly I have to potray a goody goody image. They are after your life most of the time. The last time I went to my native, they were after me to get married. This time they want a kid, which is very wierd. I meet them once in 2 years on an average. How would it matter to them if I had a kid. And how am i expected to have a kid. My wife lives in Mumbai. I am based out of Chennai. If she gets pregnant it better be immaculate. A hand of God, If you know what I mean.

But there were other things which kind of made up for all the downsides. Like, the food. Awesome. Like the lake and the water. The women, so raw and so damn hot.

Kerela teaches you to cool off, to do nothing the entire day which was very nice. The day passes slowly. There is nothing to do. You can sit and read the new paper for 2 hours, the head for the lake and bathe for 2-3 hours. Nobody cares. It is more like if u dont take 3 hours to swim around you are going to be bored sitting idle and looking at passerby's.

After a long time, I did trek into the wilderness that is th village where my father was born and i should say it was far better than the 130 year old rain forests of Malaysia. At some point i was also lost and ended up in some small town, full of people with shocked faces, which is wierd. Can you imagine a small village of people who collectively look shocked through out their lifetimes. I bought a huge jack fruit home dragging it about 6-7 kilometers. I think I stole it, I dont know. But in Kerela nobody steals. Like for example I saw a cashew tree which extended into the middle of the road, full of cashew, and nobody would touch it , If it was Chennai or Mumbai it would have dissapeared in an hour. There are mangoes everywhere, ripe, green, different shapes all at a arms distance, but nobody seems to want it. Nobody in the village earns more than 4-5 K a month, which is quite suprising. They just dont need the money. If you offer a easier lifestyle for lesser salary, they are all ready to take it.

Such was my travel to my holy land, Kerela.

Hope is a demon bitch

Whats the story morning Glory? I guess there is enough love in my life. I set forth to find it a few days back from whoever offers it. I found many who are willing to care, people I have not seen or heard from before, but ones who do really care.

I wrote earlier in my other blog if it is ok to be completely and madly in love with two women. I think not now. Because you are always failing the legitimate one everyday when you share love with somebody else. But having said this it does solve a lot of non issues. It helps the legitimate one realise your worth. It makes her jealous of the fact that there are others who are willing and ready to take her place.Now is that true love i ask myself, or is it just an attempt to regain possession, seperate you from your circle and then again take for granted.

However I am loving the attention. It keeps me occupied and I feel happy. It keeps me away from the work front which is seriously bad. Its not bad because we have lots of work and very little time or because work is boring. There isnt any work, as we dwell in gloomy times like every news channel is propounding. Everything is shut down because we want to save money for a rainy day an do only those things which we are assured off. No risks ! No ideation ! Nothing.

And we hope for things to come together. And like I said. Hope is a demon bitch

And the day goes on.....

There are a few things I learnt yesterday. There is no romance in a satisfied relationship. Just like most artforms, where beauty is more about imperfection, so in a relationship, romance is only alive when there are problems. so unless there is a cash crunch, unless there is some insecurity in the relationship there is no love. There are different types of women, but you can broadly classify them into two. The ones who think they know exactly what they want or the ones who know only what they dont like. Both these are adorable and troublesome at the same time. You will need to thread through a lot of pain to satisfy both types but the pleasure is true.

I have also realised that i have also a lot of passion to express, all thats in me, i also know i am not all that talented. No, not a sign of a lack of confidence, but a fact you face when you really are sure of thoughts and actions. But i guess that is life, you do your best, no matter how little. I am reading machevelli, a good friend bought it for me, i wouldnt have bought it myself. I am not into amoral politics. I believe in survival though.

So much for today.........

Huff-Puff organisation

The day of laying off is over. I am saved but i wish was also sacked in a lot of ways. The guilt of being around when you see dreams broken of people who placed their trust in you is bad enough. But to see them lose the whole plot, and suffer because of the selfishless of some people who are running individual agendas is awful. Thank God 2008 is over.

But I have realised that the worst is yet not over. We are now the traditional 'curd rice' organisation. Its quite painful when you have to accept the fact that you will spend the next year with people who are no good and complete morons. What is the point in working at a place which is filled with morons. Morons behave differently from normal people when they acquire positon or power. They are complete jerks, they are in every moment trying to bully people because in a sane and non sensitive environment it would be pretty evident that they are morons.

The start of the New Year was good. The party was awesome. The women in Mumbai are intoxicating as I have always said. That city knows how to party. But with alchohol level as high as it is now in my body, even after a week of the new year is pretty annoying. I should quit drinking. Ok maybe reduce it to acceptable levels.

Life is good. There is no work, because support functions do work only when there is money to work with. And things like Branding etc are very budget driven. Today my role is more of less of a gyan guru. And with no money to execute its is just gyan. the year is picking up, the markets are losing the sensitivity of recession. I can see it happening all around me. And this makes me happy. I dont want the prime of my life shrunk because of the God damn recession. And also because i would like the organisation to start recruiting some intelligent people to be with.

I have started studying again. Am doing my MA in psyhology which is more or less an allied course to my profession. Atleast the reading and studying keeps my mind away from the other mindless SOB's

So that's that !